Healing from Anxious Attachment and the Path to Self-Love

In my last post, I opened up about my struggles with grief, self-worth, and the journey toward loving myself. As I’ve reflected more deeply on these experiences, I’ve realized that a lot of what I’ve felt has been shaped by something that’s been a part of me for as long as I can remember: anxious attachment.

For those unfamiliar, anxious attachment is a pattern where you constantly fear abandonment or rejection, often worrying that those you care about won’t stay or that you aren’t enough to be truly loved. I never realized how deeply this fear had influenced my life—until now.

The Roots of My Anxiety

Growing up without my father after losing him at a young age shaped so much of who I became. While I had support and processed his passing in my own way, the loss planted seeds of fear and insecurity in my relationships. I found myself constantly looking for reassurance from those I loved, needing to know that they wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t stop loving me.

I craved closeness but always feared that it could disappear at any moment. In my mind, if I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or perfect enough, the people I loved would eventually walk away. This belief, ingrained over the years, tied love to achievement and perfection. I needed constant validation to feel secure, to feel like I was worthy of love.

When someone didn’t respond right away or seemed distant, it felt like the walls were closing in on me. I’d replay conversations, overanalyze their words, and think of a million reasons why I wasn’t enough. It’s a vicious cycle—the more anxious you feel, the more you cling, and the more distant people can become, reinforcing the fear of rejection.

How Anxious Attachment Impacts Relationships

Anxious attachment has shaped many of my relationships. When you’re anxiously attached, the fear of rejection feels almost ever-present. You might find yourself constantly seeking reassurance, checking in to make sure that everything is okay, even when there’s no real threat. But the more you chase that sense of security from others, the more you start to lose yourself.

This type of attachment made me feel as though I had to earn love by being perfect, by achieving more, or by always being there for others—even when it wasn’t reciprocated. I felt responsible for keeping the relationship intact, whether it was with friends, family, or romantic partners. And when things didn’t go as planned, when someone pulled away even a little, it felt like a confirmation of my biggest fear: that I wasn’t enough.

The irony of anxious attachment is that the very thing we fear—rejection—is often what we push others toward because our fear can become overwhelming for both ourselves and those around us.

The Shift Toward Healing

As I mentioned in my last post, I came across a note that mirrored my deepest fears—that no matter what I do, it will never be enough to be truly loved. This realization hit hard, but it also marked a turning point. I started to ask myself: Why was I constantly looking outside for love and validation? Why did I believe love had to be earned through proving my worth?

In understanding anxious attachment, I’ve begun to realize that the security I’ve been looking for in others needs to come from within. The truth is, no amount of reassurance from someone else can truly make me feel secure until I believe, deep down, that I am enough. That’s where self-love comes in.

Learning to Soothe the Anxiety

Healing from anxious attachment is not about fixing or suppressing the anxiety—it’s about learning to soothe it. I’m slowly learning to recognize the patterns in myself: the need for reassurance, the fear that I’ll be abandoned, the over-analysis of every interaction. And when those feelings surface, I’m working on giving myself what I’ve been seeking from others—a sense of safety and love.

It’s not an easy process. Some days, the old fears still creep in. But I’ve come to understand that love isn’t about constantly seeking reassurance. It’s about trusting that the people who truly care for you will be there, even if they’re not physically present or always available to provide constant affirmation. More importantly, it’s about trusting that I am enough, just as I am.

The Path to Loving Myself

For me, healing from anxious attachment means letting go of the idea that love is something I need to chase or earn. It means reminding myself that I don’t need to prove my worth to be loved. I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t need constant reassurance to know that I am worthy.

It’s about learning to be okay with moments of uncertainty, to stop seeking validation from others, and instead, turn inward for that sense of security. I’ve started to practice more self-compassion, to remind myself that I am doing the best I can—and that is enough.

Moving Forward

The path to healing anxious attachment is one of self-awareness and self-compassion. It’s about learning to quiet that inner critic and soothe the anxious voice that tells you you're not enough. It’s about embracing who you are, flaws and all, and knowing that you are deserving of love—not because of what you do or how perfectly you perform, but simply because you are you.

If you resonate with any of this, I want you to know that healing is possible. Anxious attachment can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t define you. The key to breaking free from the cycle is to begin with yourself—because the love you’ve been looking for has always been within you.

Love doesn’t have to be something you cling to or chase. It’s something you cultivate from within. And once you start to love and trust yourself, the anxiety begins to quiet down, and the world feels a little less overwhelming.

I recommend reading The Mastery of Love and Polysecure to assist you on your path to self-love and secure attachment.

With love and light,

Sanai